Signs it's time to leave OKC

Yes, the signs are all around me. Time to think about saying goodbye to these cowboys and head back east.


First sign: The city gives GWB an award accepted by the Bush Twins right OUTSIDE my apartment. Oy Vey! It's as if they want me to leave. Next they'll be putting a large statue of Reagan out there.

Second sign: My cat isn't safe here since apparently Oakies mutilate them for Lady Gaga concert outfits. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/14/woman-mutilates-cat-lady-gaga-outfit_n_849167.html

Third sign: The freaking Tornadoes! How many hundreds of tornadoes need to touch down around here before I get the hell out of dodge? Look at the freakin chart? Why is the line for 2011 heading straight up? Sheesh!

Fourth sign: Coworkers complaining about how long The President took to release his birth certificate...ok....his second birth certificate people. And I'm still waiting for proof that GWB was actually born in CT. I know that mother fucker had to have been born in Texas...Arizona...Florida...or really any fucked up state!

And really, it's Oklahoma City...what other reasons do I need?

Yet another reason not to go to church

A new study finds that people who go to church are more likely to be obese; yet another reason to avoid church here in OKC. http://www.wkrn.com/story/14334057/church-goers-more-likely-to-be-obese-study-says

Church + Drive Thrus every 50 feet + Unbearable heat makes this one of the fattest cities in the country. http://newsok.com/article/3337842

So while the rest of the city is busy getting fat at church on sundays, I get to complete all of my chores quickly with no lines at the stores and zero people in the gym! Thank you God!

Oklahoma Lingo

Stuck here AGAIN at the aiport trying to get from the Northeast to Oklahoma (not an easy task) so I thought it was about time for another blog. This time let's take a look at the strange language being used in OKC! Fixin as in - Im fixin to make me some chicken fried steak for dinner." I'm not sure what this would translate to. It's a useless word that makes no sense at all. Do What? - an Oakie says this everytime someone from the Northeast talks too quickly for them to understand what was said. Ya'll - Translation: you guys or yous guys for yous people from NY and NJ. I'll Holler at You Later - translation: I'll get in touch with you at a later point.

Noodling - This is the way an Oakie catches a cat fish...with their hands! Oh My Gosh - Translation: Oh My God Goshdarnit - Translation: Goddamnit Sack - Nothing to do with football. This just means bag. What a strange language indeed!

Hell Freezes Over. OK Aks Obama for Help

I'm long over due for a comment on Oklahoma's recent plea for Obama's help with the (gasp) 12 inches of snow.

http://www.newsok.com/obama-declares-emergency-for-state-approves-fema-aid/article/3537787?custom_click=lead_story_title

"We appreciate the president’s prompt action on our request," said Governor Fallin.

Isn't this the state where every single county was won by McCain in 2008 (only state where that happened!) and Obama recieved just 34% off the votes? At least Texas had the balls to not ask the enemy for help.

It seems a little snow scares staunch conservatives in to federal government lovin socialists. BRING ON THE SNOW!

Snow in the south!

8-12 inches of snow has completely paralyzed Oklahoma City and overloaded its 24 plows obviously as I have not seen 1 yet and the storm ended hours ago. Kind of hilarious that they publish snow routes letting you know which roads they will plow and then NOT plow those roads. In fact, I see a car stuck in the drifts on one of their so called "snow routes." Nice job OKC. I parked along a snow route and lucked out that all of the snow on that street blew to other streets leaving it nice a clean.

City officials are saying that roads could be bad for "days!" You should take a look at your map and then stick to your plan OKC. Success could yours next snow storm.

God Hates Daylight Savings Time?

Thought I would share this hilarious letter sent in by an OKC reader to the Gazette in response to a letter about the benefits of extending daylight savings time to year round in OK:

"Mankind shouldn't have ever screwed around with daylight at all. And this has biblical support that has been overlooked by roughly everyone. Facts: Everything to do with sunlight was installed way back in the beginning of everything - by God. Anyone can authenticate this. It's in the Bible. When God said, Let there be light, he specified standard time - and he didn't want anybody messing with it, ever. Check it out."

The thought that religious fanatics could be anti-daylight savings time never entered my mind as it is just so far out there crazy but apparently God hates daylight savings time...and gays.

And BTW, a quick Wikipedia search shows that the ancient Egyptians, not God, invented timekeeping devices. Anyone can authenticate this.

OMG Snow!

OKC is expected to get a dusting of snow today (less than one inch) and it has everyone freaked out at the mall, the shelves empty at the grocery stores, and schools already announcing closures. My sources here tell me that instead of plowing roads, they shut them down until they can get to them. Can't wait to mock all of my co-workers tomorrow with tales of me sitting in a bar drinking and watching football during snowpocalpse 2010 in the Northeast. My biggest problem was having to dig a 6-pack of beer out of a snowdrift on the deck.