Oklahoma Prays For Rain, God Says GFY

Well it's been a week since the wacky climate change denying governor of Oklahoma asked residents to pray for rain to help end the drought and still no rain here in Oklahoma. The governor now needs to tell us whether she thinks 1. Praying doesn't work or 2. God hears the prayers but prefers to let the people of Oklahoma suffer.

http://thinkprogress.org/green/2011/07/18/271658/climate-denying-oklahoma-governor-tells-residents-to-pray-for-rain/

Things You Learn Driving Through Oklahoma and Arkansas!

Recently I decided to get the hell out of dodge and embarked on a trip through eastern Oklahoma in to Arkansas. What an eye opener! If you pay attention to the little details, you can actually learn a thing or two:

1. The only things needed to sustain life in nowhere U.S.A are a Walmart and McDonald's. If you can't get it there, you don't need it.

2. A "Heavy Traffic Ahead" sign means you will need to slow down from 75 to 65 mph.

3. Summer is the perfect time for churches to launch that "If you think this is hot, wait until you get to hell" marketing campaign to get the folks in on a Sunday.

4. Whoever invented the ugly yellow sign with an arrow on top must be a billionaire. They are all over the place!

5. The lake in Oklahoma are actually red because of the color of the dirt and will turn your bathing suit red...and I have to imagine your hair too!

6. A typical golf course in Arkansas has weeds and is right next door to a trailer park.

7. The state of Arkansas has a law that requires all towns to have a fire works tent every 500 feet.

8. In the summer, it gets so hot, vehicles can catch on fire!

Gay Marriage Passes in NY. Oklahoma Freaks Out!

The gays are coming, the gays are coming. Ring ring, bang bang. Even though gay marriage is almost 1000 miles away, hey, that's still too close! Let's check out what some Oklahomans have had to say over the last week about them gays in NY!

Congratulations gay people. I am so proud of you for standing up to we the Heterosexuals. You now have the freedom to have unprotected same sex copulation and it all is underwritten by the State of New York. You will now be considered married couples as long as you stay in that state. The first shots of your "revolution" have been fired,and it is a direct hit against the Republic. Now our nation is free to go by way of the Roman Empire. What's next for you people,are you trying to find another Caligula to make it official? Hey, in NY,it's anything goes. After all, us straight people know nothing about the joy of same sex partners. That will always be true because at least for me that is the way life is supposed to be. If I hired a secretary and she was constantly putting the incoming mail in the outgoing slot and my employees didn't get their paychecks,I would say she new nothing about her responsibilities. Gay folks would say that she was just expressing herself and there was nothing wrong with her actions... Well I just expressed my pride in being Straight,now how long before another one of you take offense and have my comment censored?
Yes because as some of you may not know, unprotected sex is illegal in Oklahoma....unless it is with a farm animal. That's just following god's law in the "republic." Oklaoman's don't have an issue getting paychecks like those gays in NY because well, secretaries always put them in the right slot. STRAIGHT PRIDE Y'ALL!

OK doesn't recognize whatever flavor-of-the-month is falling off the left coasts. This is no different. Relax. NY can be "progressive"...let them be who they want. I'll hang out here. I like normal and common-sense land.
And don't be bringing your "flavor of the month" gay lover here to Oklahoma for vacation from the left coast neither. No matter how much of an urge you have to visit common-sense-land with it's dry hot dusty summers with no beaches.

It's because our Society feels the need that we MUST cater to THIS President, the Liberal Special Interest Groups and "Alliances", etc... vs catering to America as a WHOLE!
Wait, what happened to the screams of states rights that I continue to hear from the red states? I guess that just applies to things they agree with.

Oklahoma will be the very last state to legalize gay marriage.
But probably will be the first to legalize marrying your opposite sex double cousin.

Also one can be "gay" without being homosexual and homosexuals are not all "gay". I really hate the euphemism "gay" when talking about homosexuality, which renders a totally acceptable word into something it is not. The term "queer" seems more appropriate to me but whatever...
Just look it up those two words in the Oklahoma dictionary. They come after "do what?" and "fixin" and before "y'all."

Cultural =/= successful, prudent, fiscally sound, desirable, wanted, wise, managed carefully, good overall judgement, or efficient. Here in Oklahoma, I wouldn't trade all of that for the simple label of being "cultural". I'm not saying we are perfect, but we are far from New York, and for the most part, that's a good thing.
Culture is one of those words we leave out of the Oklahoma dictionary.

It's ALL about the INDIVIDUALS! We have to cater to all of the individuals and their little special interest groups and quirkie ideas, while this NATION, suffers. We are no longer UNITED! We've been torn apart by a two party political system and more importantly; idiotic, LIBERAL ideas!
And if anyone is in a position to know what is best for the entire country, it's the people that live in the middle of nowhere. Having cows as neighbors gives you great perspective on creating a perfect society.

But at the end of the day, we can put gay marriage right up there with professional sports and reality TV as just another distraction to keep us all occupied while the control grid goes in place.
Who are these people that pay as much attention to gay marriage as they do sports? Can you say closet homosexuals? And does it seem rational to compare basic human rights to Keeping up with the Kardashians? REALLY?!?!?!

Charles Barkley is wrong!

Well it's NBA playoffs time and the city is gearing up for game 7 tomorrow which means it is about time for a Thunder related post. I recently became aware that there was a bit of controversy when Charles Barkley, during TNT coverage, had this to say about OKC:

Oklahoma is nothing but vast wasteland," Barkley said, adding that Oklahoma was "no place for black people."

"The Oklahoma Sooners and the Hornets are the only brothers in town."

Even though it was said 5 years ago, the papers here are still blasting Sir Charles.

I think I can help out Barkley with correcting himself. I think what he meant to say is that Oklahoma is "no place for PEOPLE."

Signs it's time to leave OKC

Yes, the signs are all around me. Time to think about saying goodbye to these cowboys and head back east.


First sign: The city gives GWB an award accepted by the Bush Twins right OUTSIDE my apartment. Oy Vey! It's as if they want me to leave. Next they'll be putting a large statue of Reagan out there.

Second sign: My cat isn't safe here since apparently Oakies mutilate them for Lady Gaga concert outfits. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/14/woman-mutilates-cat-lady-gaga-outfit_n_849167.html

Third sign: The freaking Tornadoes! How many hundreds of tornadoes need to touch down around here before I get the hell out of dodge? Look at the freakin chart? Why is the line for 2011 heading straight up? Sheesh!

Fourth sign: Coworkers complaining about how long The President took to release his birth certificate...ok....his second birth certificate people. And I'm still waiting for proof that GWB was actually born in CT. I know that mother fucker had to have been born in Texas...Arizona...Florida...or really any fucked up state!

And really, it's Oklahoma City...what other reasons do I need?

Yet another reason not to go to church

A new study finds that people who go to church are more likely to be obese; yet another reason to avoid church here in OKC. http://www.wkrn.com/story/14334057/church-goers-more-likely-to-be-obese-study-says

Church + Drive Thrus every 50 feet + Unbearable heat makes this one of the fattest cities in the country. http://newsok.com/article/3337842

So while the rest of the city is busy getting fat at church on sundays, I get to complete all of my chores quickly with no lines at the stores and zero people in the gym! Thank you God!

Oklahoma Lingo

Stuck here AGAIN at the aiport trying to get from the Northeast to Oklahoma (not an easy task) so I thought it was about time for another blog. This time let's take a look at the strange language being used in OKC! Fixin as in - Im fixin to make me some chicken fried steak for dinner." I'm not sure what this would translate to. It's a useless word that makes no sense at all. Do What? - an Oakie says this everytime someone from the Northeast talks too quickly for them to understand what was said. Ya'll - Translation: you guys or yous guys for yous people from NY and NJ. I'll Holler at You Later - translation: I'll get in touch with you at a later point.

Noodling - This is the way an Oakie catches a cat fish...with their hands! Oh My Gosh - Translation: Oh My God Goshdarnit - Translation: Goddamnit Sack - Nothing to do with football. This just means bag. What a strange language indeed!

Hell Freezes Over. OK Aks Obama for Help

I'm long over due for a comment on Oklahoma's recent plea for Obama's help with the (gasp) 12 inches of snow.

http://www.newsok.com/obama-declares-emergency-for-state-approves-fema-aid/article/3537787?custom_click=lead_story_title

"We appreciate the president’s prompt action on our request," said Governor Fallin.

Isn't this the state where every single county was won by McCain in 2008 (only state where that happened!) and Obama recieved just 34% off the votes? At least Texas had the balls to not ask the enemy for help.

It seems a little snow scares staunch conservatives in to federal government lovin socialists. BRING ON THE SNOW!

Snow in the south!

8-12 inches of snow has completely paralyzed Oklahoma City and overloaded its 24 plows obviously as I have not seen 1 yet and the storm ended hours ago. Kind of hilarious that they publish snow routes letting you know which roads they will plow and then NOT plow those roads. In fact, I see a car stuck in the drifts on one of their so called "snow routes." Nice job OKC. I parked along a snow route and lucked out that all of the snow on that street blew to other streets leaving it nice a clean.

City officials are saying that roads could be bad for "days!" You should take a look at your map and then stick to your plan OKC. Success could yours next snow storm.

God Hates Daylight Savings Time?

Thought I would share this hilarious letter sent in by an OKC reader to the Gazette in response to a letter about the benefits of extending daylight savings time to year round in OK:

"Mankind shouldn't have ever screwed around with daylight at all. And this has biblical support that has been overlooked by roughly everyone. Facts: Everything to do with sunlight was installed way back in the beginning of everything - by God. Anyone can authenticate this. It's in the Bible. When God said, Let there be light, he specified standard time - and he didn't want anybody messing with it, ever. Check it out."

The thought that religious fanatics could be anti-daylight savings time never entered my mind as it is just so far out there crazy but apparently God hates daylight savings time...and gays.

And BTW, a quick Wikipedia search shows that the ancient Egyptians, not God, invented timekeeping devices. Anyone can authenticate this.

OMG Snow!

OKC is expected to get a dusting of snow today (less than one inch) and it has everyone freaked out at the mall, the shelves empty at the grocery stores, and schools already announcing closures. My sources here tell me that instead of plowing roads, they shut them down until they can get to them. Can't wait to mock all of my co-workers tomorrow with tales of me sitting in a bar drinking and watching football during snowpocalpse 2010 in the Northeast. My biggest problem was having to dig a 6-pack of beer out of a snowdrift on the deck.